I promised a friend I'd write about this today because she's having one of those horrible days where nothing is working out financially. Things are a struggle, but beyond that, hope has threatened to dissipate.
I know those days because I've lived through them and I think that's the really important part: I lived through them.
I didn't think I would.
Somehow I thought that the lack of money would gobble me up.
I had invented a monster, my own personal boogie man, that came to get me when resources were low.
This boogie man jabbered at me constantly:
You're going to do without!
You'll have an emergency and won't be able to deal with it!
You'll starve!
They will take your house!
He went on and on, this boogie man, until I'd roll around in bed so anxious I couldn't sleep.
Everywhere I looked I saw fear, anxiety, scarcity and the brink of ruin.
I also saw self-pity.
This boogie man talked about OTHER PEOPLE in ways that hurt me.
This boogie man LOOKED at OTHER PEOPLE in ways that hurt me.
Their haircuts were nicer.
Their clothes were nicer.
Their this that and the other was NICER.
I didn't resent them.
I simply used this pseudo-information to feel worse.
I was all about feeling worse than, less than, different than.
I read some books about prosperity, wealth and abundance.
They filled me with some hope, but I can't say what actually changed besides my mind.
I had to change my mind in order to survive all that fear.
One of the things I changed was how I viewed wealth.
I couldn't do the look-at-your-friends-love wealth ploy.
I needed more.
So, I looked at assets.
What actually did I have that could be changed into money if I needed it?
And what could I get rid of in exchange for money?
This led me to clear out some clutter and a few good dollars dribbled in.
But this was not the real transformation that helped.
It was something internal that helped me as I began to look at things in terms of my accumulated wealth and possible cashable money assets.
They weren't large, but they were significant. I began to think of money as something that hadn't materialized yet, but could if I really, really needed it to. Like, that ring can bring me $100. That doll is 35.
Little things like that. That helped.
I sold a few things and sent the proceeds proudly onto debtors, but again, I think the value was in realizing I could pull money out of my usual surroundings if I wanted.
Another thing I did was label all scarcity thoughts and fear thoughts as what they are.
"There's a scarcity thought>There's a fear thought."
I began to separate myself from them. I had them and observed them, but in observing, I was distancing.
Then, I attacked the idea that scarcity and fear are even possibilities in my financial life. I asked myself whose ideas these were anyway.
The answers really weren't surprising. I'd know them forever, but I'd forgotten that they weren't necessarily REAL.
Scarcity and fear were my inheritance. They came from other people, other generations and other circumstances. They came from the Great Depression, from alcoholism, from clinical depression, and from lack of education. More...scarcity and fear came from abuse, anger, resentment, victimhood.
I looked deeply at myself. I tackled those things in me and decided very basically
"If I wake up tomorrow, I will live. It's as simple as that."
This trick worked for me in many ways.
It took me out of the future where the boogie man mostly lived.
It kept me in one day at the proverbial time.
That really helped!
In my one day I looked for gratitude.
I am convinced that gratitude thoughts cannot co-exist with other thoughts so I drove gratitude deep into as much 'thought time' as I could.
I said affirmations: I am safe.
I drove affirmations in whenever fear and scarcity started and gratitudes needed a rest.
I am safe.
I am capable.
I am protected by a divine presence.
I have enough.
I am a child of this universe.
on and on...
Instead of crying and shaking when I did bills I decided to be grateful.
I wrote things on my checks.
I put have a nice day stickers, Christmas stickers, Easter stickers...on the backs of my envelops. I told the faceless debtors "thanks!" on the check memo's.
I was appreciative. I appreciated being able to send the payment.
I changed my fear and scarcity in sending them to being grateful to send them. Somehow it helped.
I also talked to people.
I asked all my friends if I could have 20 from them if I really needed it.
I didn't take it, but I simply told them, hey, I'm in a crunch I might need to fundraise. Would you be good for a 20?
Everybody said yes, of course, just let them know, anytime.
That was quite a bit of unmaterialized money. It bolstered me. It was imaginary money in my imaginary bank, but hey! money lived in the ethers just waiting to materialize anyway!
The other side of this materialization effect was in me, too. Would I first believe, then secondly accept?
This had a great deal to do with self-worth.
Was I worthy enough to accept?
My 20 dollar exercise helped with this.
It also helped with my pride and my difficulty asking for help.
It goes on and on, my dear friend, but I guess I have to say that somehow, in the end I did practical things like negotiated lower credit rates, transferred credit card balances and the like...
but the chief poverty was inside me. I don't know if that helps you, but that's where I had to heal.
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